1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Matt Stone
Matt Stone photo

Matt Stone Quotes

Total quotes: 68
“Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Anal Humor, Fart Jokes, Sick, Immature
“Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of hell!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: Hell, Alabama
“No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Independent FIlms, Black and White, Hippie, Movies, Gay Cowboys
“Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Africa, Hunting, Black People, Stating the Obvious
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Pippi Longstocking, Crack Whore
“We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.”
— ATF Agent, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: Murder, Suicide
“A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?”
— Butters, South Park, Season 13: The Ring
Tagged: wedding ring, Dead Bedrooms, Marriage
“Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle: What!

Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 11: Fantastic Easter Special
Tagged: jesus, Suicide, blasphemy, Jews
“Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman [shocked]: What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: Necrophilia, i fucked your mom, piece of crap
“Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not?”
— Terrance, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: Homophobic, gay
“This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 6: Freak Strike
Tagged: maury povich, carnival freaks, dick
“Kyle: [into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, goddamn it!

Cartman: Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Screaming, earache
“[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Tom Selleck, Crop Circle
“Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!”
— Sharon Marsh, South Park, Season 2: Conjoined Fetus Lady
Tagged: Suicide Attempts, Delusion
“Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 2: Chef Aid
Tagged: prostitution, raising money, whoring
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Poverty, so poor jokes
“Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: poontang, Goddamn
“Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Pussy, faggy, goth, Clique
“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Goals, Dreams, beefcake
“Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut—

Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: procrastination, Football
“Chef: [talking to Cartman, who's dressed like a Klansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: KKK, Threats
“Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass, too!

Cartman: That's right! [realizes he's been insulted] AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: insults, Fat-Shaming
“How-dy-ho!”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 1: Damien
“Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ah, sick!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Reproduction, Mother Nature, Pig, White Women
“Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: invitations, rectal insertion
“Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP BACK THERE! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Stan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said, 'I have a bad itch.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, fat bitch, shut up
“Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Eskimos, igloos
“Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: retarded kid, short bus, Elephant, antrhopomorphism
“Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?

Officer Barbrady: Well you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!

Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]

Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!”
— Barbra Streisand, South Park, Season 1: Mecha-Streisand
Tagged: fiona apple, Barbra Streisand, Bitch
“Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.”
— Announcer, South Park, Season 2: Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
Tagged: lineage, paternity, teaser
“Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: Homophobia, Evil, Nazi, Vomitous, violent, Black Hearts
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: Queer, bennigan's
“We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.”
— Announcer, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: static, we interrupt this program
loading next page...