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Tom Segura Quotes

“I’d love to learn another language, but there’s too much porn to watch.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: bilingual, Porn
“I’m always trying to set goals. My latest goal….I’m trying to be less polite, you know? ‘Cause the world is not as polite as you’re raised to believe it’s gonna be, you know? I don’t understand why we accept that when you say ‘thank you,’ people don’t have to say ‘you’re welcome’ anymore. People have stopped. Now, you say ‘thank you,’ and people give you a nod, like….I want to stab you in the fucking ears if you do that shit to me. I do. I’ll go, ‘thank you,’ and they go… I go, ‘did you not… did you not just hear what I just said to you, man?’ And you get, like, a follow-up nod. So now, I skip it all. I just take shit, and I go…”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Politeness, Thank You, You're Welcome
“I think the fattest thing you can do is probably eat another fat person, right? Like, if you’re fat and you see another fat guy, and you’re like, that guy looks delicious, you’re super fat.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Gluttony, Fattest
“I was getting into a shower in a hotel, and it was one of these hotel bathrooms where there’s just mirrors everywhere. And as I was stepping in the shower, I looked, and I was like, ‘oh, my god.’ Like, ‘look at you. I can’t believe somebody lets you fuck them. This is crazy.’”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: hotels, Hotel Rooms, Mirrors, Weight Gain
“You can learn a lot from television. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. Or alive. I also didn’t know that.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: TV, Steven Seagal
“Every week, it’s another city for me. I get asked the same questions every week by people. ‘Are people the same everywhere?’ No. Some places suck and they have shittier people. I just gave you a sociology degree.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: travel, Sociology
“I swear to God, there is no more liberating and fun thing to do in this world than scream in your best aggressive black guy voice. Holy shit. So much fun. I highly recommend you do it. Not if you’re black. If you’re black, you already do it. But if you’re white, do it. Do it in public. Do it where there are black people. And here’s a little secret, if you do it well, there is a possibility that a black guy will yell back in return. I do it all the time. I live in Los Angeles. Pick your spot. I go to Crenshaw. There’s never a shortage there. I do. I hang back and I go, 'hey, yo!' And sometimes… sometimes, a black guy’ll go, ‘sup, D?’”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Black Guy Voice, Los Angeles, Crenshaw Boulevard
“I am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I get washed over with this feeling. I’m like, ‘look at these fucking poor pieces of shit on my flight. Ugh.’ I’m so much better than them. Don’t stand next to me. Ugh, dude. I dare you to try to come up from coach and use the first class bathroom when I’m there. I’ll put my hand on your chest, OK? No. No. There’s a pig trough in the back.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: Airplaines, First Class Seats, classism
“Come on, hotels are great. Everybody loves hotels. Especially when you check in with your significant other. Why? Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room.”
— Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal
Tagged: hotels, Hotel Sex, disrespect
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