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Daniel Tosh Quotes

Total quotes: 9
“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Religious, Spiritual, honest, interesting, sarcastic, Sarcasm, First Impressions
“I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: God, english, Heaven, point, menu, Communication, Language
“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: humor, Pregnancy, pregnant, test, Feeling Down, Sad, Troubles, Feeling, Emotion
“Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Baby, babies, Children, toddler, humor, joke, Dishwasher, dishwasher safe, dangerous, Parenting, Life Hacks
“Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: lost, Journey, travel, Hike, Youtube, Video, Social Media, Trending
“Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree...I don't have a joke for that, yet. But, when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!"”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Leaopards, Tree, Climbing, Wildlife, big cat, learn, Snapple, information, Learning, Weight
“I can say that. I have a television show.”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: humor, Words, Censorship, Television, show, TV
“Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on tv, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch tv.”
— Daniel Tosh, Wikiquote.org: Daniel Tosh
Tagged: Deserve, rank, comedy, audience, Stand Up
“I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"”
— Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh: An Unauthorized Biography
Tagged: Dad, father, dad jokes, breakfast joke, Relationship, breakfast, comparison, Jokes
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