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Dave Chappelle Quotes

Total quotes: 40
“We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Bird Revelation
Tagged: forgiveness, strength, Quote of the Moment
“It’s hard not to write these jokes. It’s hard not to think about it.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: comedy, Writing
“Can’t do comparative suffering. If you’re hungry, and your friend says, 'you know, people are starving in Africa,' 'so what, nigga? I still want lunch.'”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: Suffering, Comparing Your Pain To Others
“ I’m from a time that I didn’t even used to know who was on the phone until I answered the shit.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: Caller ID, Being Old In 2017 , How We Lived Before iPhones
“This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and this nigga has two new cases.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, Michael Jackson, Child Molestation, Cancel Culture, celebrity
“Celebrity hunting season. Doesn’t matter what I say, they’re going to get everybody eventually.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Cancel Culture
“I don’t see any peaceful way to disarm America’s whites. There’s only one thing that’s going to save this country from itself. Same thing that always saves this country from itself, and that is African Americans.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Gun Control, African Americans
“Nobody’s life is perfect. No matter what it looks like from the outside, you don’t know what the fuck’s going on inside.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Fuck, Empathy
“That’s why I don’t be coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all niggas is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever tried to entertain in my FUCKING life.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Niggas, Motherfuckers, Fucking, Cancel Culture
“I’m not a pedophile. But if I was…Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell you that right now.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Pedophile, Macaulay Culkin, Fucking
“If you’ve been poor, you know what that feels like. You ashamed all the time. Feels like it’s your fault.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Poverty, Shame
“This is the age of spin. The age where nobody knows what the fuck they’re even looking at.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: spin, Media Manipulation, Seeing Seeing
“I’m not for abortion. Oh, shut up, nigga. I’m not for it, but I’m not against it, either. It all depends…on who I get pregnant.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, Abortion
“They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. This shit’s happening every week. It happens so much, I’m almost—I don’t care anymore.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Mass Shooting, Virginia Beach, Shit
“What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? Like, if women are actually equal to men, then there would be no WNBA, would there? You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Equality, WNBA, Gender Differences
“Nobody’s life is perfect. No matter what it looks like from the outside, you don’t know what the fuck’s going on inside.”
— Dave Chappelle,
Tagged: Life, Perfect, Fuck
“I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Fuck, New World
“I hate guns, personally. I can’t stand ’em. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want ’em, but I feel like I need ’em.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Gun Control
“ If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Bird Revelation
Tagged: Cloak And Dagger, Invisible Power
“I’m sorry, ladies. I just… I got a fucking Me Too headache. Y’all is killing me right now. It’s really fuckin’ tough to watch what’s going on.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Fuck, #metoo
“Did you know that Planned Parenthood was for abortions? It’s for people that don’t plan things out at all.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: Planned Parenthood
“I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer. You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, 'Dave, Dave, Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna.' I’ll be like, 'Well, what did she do?' 'Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children.' 'Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Michael Jackson, Victim Blaming, Chris Brown, Rihanna
“That’s gonna be my ticket out. You know, you got to think of these women like frequent flyer miles. I mean, if you doing nice things with this girl, and nice things with that girl, it never adds up. You got to get all your miles on one airline.”
— Dave Chappelle, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: Marriage, Promiscuity, Commitment
“Everything's funny until it happens to you.”
— Dave Chappelle, Dave Chappelle, Collection 1: Equanimity
Tagged: First Person Experiences
“How can you care about anything when you know every goddamn thing?”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: Information Overload, Too Much Media, Sick from Data , Too Smart For Your Own Good, Quote of the Moment
“Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean?”
— Dave Chappelle, The Bird Revelation
Tagged: Relatable, being mean
“This is my impression, you ready? This is my impression… of the Founding Fathers of America… when the Constitution was being written. You ready? Here it goes. Hurry up and finish that Constitution, nigger. I’m trying to get some sleep. It’s not bad, right?”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Founding Fathers, nigger, Constitution
“Every ending is a beginning, and vice versa.”
— Dave Chappelle, Dave Chappelle Is Back(This Time We're 100% Sure It's Maybe Totally for Real)
Tagged: Endings, Beginnings
“I just always loved stand-up. It's like magic. You say something, and a whole room full of people laughs together. Say something else, they laugh again. The fact that people come to see that and participate in that... I don't know, it's just like magic.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Sixth Man
Tagged: Stand-UP, Magic, Laughter
“You know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up? I have 'Quiet, please' money at best. I’d have to take a loan out for 'Shut the fuck up.' 'Shut the fuck up–' That’s Jay Z money. And Beyoncé got 'No, you shut the fuck up' money.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: Jay-Z and Beyonce, Money, Marriage
“And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. 'Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say the word 'nigger' with impunity… …but I can’t say the word 'faggot'?' And she said, 'Because, David, you are not gay.' I said, 'Well, Renée… I’m not a nigger either.'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: nigger, faggot, gay, obscene, Profanity
“If…if you’re in a group that I made fun of, then just know that I probably will only make fun of you if I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor. And I know that the only difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it’s not supposed to be happening to them.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: poor blacks, poor whites
“Here’s the fact that I heard, but haven’t confirmed. I heard that when Martin Luther King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and said he had a dream, he was speaking into a PA system that Bill Cosby paid for. So, you understand what I’m saying? The point is this: He rapes, but he saves. And he saves more than he rapes.”
— Dave Chappelle, The Age of Spin: Dave Chappelle Live at the Hollywood Palladium
Tagged: martin luther king, Civil Rights, Utilitarianism, Complex Moral Portraits, Doing Bad But Also Doing Good
“You see, Jussie Smollett is… gay, and he is black, not just French. Oh, it was a crazy story. Apparently, when he’s walking down the street late at night, two white men came out of the shadows, uh… with MAGA hats on and beat him up. Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of niggas and… and… put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. This shit was, like, international news. And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood. It’s all over everybody’s Twitter feed and Instagram page. 'Justice for Jussie' and all this shit. The whole country was up in arms. We was talking about it all the time on the news, and… and, for some reason, uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. We were so quiet about this shit that the gay community started accusing the African American community of being homophobic for not supporting him. But what they didn’t understand is that we were supporting him with our silence. Because we understood that this nigga was clearly lying. None of these details added up at all. He said he’s walking down the street in Chicago and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, 'Hey, man, aren’t you that faggot nigger from Empire?' What the fuck? Does that sound like how white people talk? I know white people. They don’t talk like that. 'Are you that faggot nigger from Empire?' They would never say that. It sounds like something… that I would say. If you’re racist and homophobic, you don’t even know who this nigga is. You can’t watch Empire.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Jussie Smollett, Empire, faggot, nigger, Hate Crime Hoaxes, racist, Homophobic
“If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. Seriously. This is theirs. The right to choose is their unequivocal right. Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody, -except for a physician…about how they exercise that right. Gentleman, that is fair. And ladies, to be fair to us, I also believe if you decide to have the baby, a man should not have to pay. That’s fair. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon ’em. It’s my money, my choice.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Abortion, dick, Shut the Fuck Up, Choice, Child Support
“And my son’s telling me, 'Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.' I’m like, 'What… What’s going on?' He said, 'Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.' I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, 'What the fuck?' I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. 'Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, nigga. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?' Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Nigga, School Shooting Drill, Fuck
“I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word 'Ohio' is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, 'land of poor white people.' And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love… heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, 'Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?' It’s really bad.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Ohio, Poor White People, Heroin, opioid crisis
“This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives, it’s…destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don’t believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we’re gettin’ a real good look at each other. It’s wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must’ve felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack… because I don’t care either. 'Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that?' Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: opioid crisis, crack epidemic, White People, Empathy
“This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. 'Another one.' Like, damn, nigga! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This nigga read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, 'Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.' She was like, 'You like this 14-year-old pussy?' Like, 'Oh, yeah, I love this.' I’m like, 'Man, you need to shut the fuck up.'”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: r. kelly, sex tape, Dj Khaled, Pussy, pedophilia
“Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. That’s where you supposed to masturbate. Then he said, 'Hey, everybody, I’m gonna pull my dick out.' Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. They all just kind of hung out, like, 'I wonder if this guy is serious.' And he came on his own stomach. There it is. What is the threat? Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. All you see is shame in their face and… cum dripping down like pancake butter. He didn’t do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. Call the police on him. 'Hello? Police, yes. I am… I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., and I think that he is masturbating while I’m on the phone.' You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? 'Well, what are you guys talking about? Mm-hm. Mm-hmm.' They ruined this nigga’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs, and they acting like if he’s able to do that, that’s gonna hurt women.”
— Himself, Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones
Tagged: Louis C.K., masturbation, Cancel Culture, Motherfucker, Atlanta
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