1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Tim Vine
Tim Vine photo

Tim Vine Quotes

Total quotes: 29
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, Didgeridoo, aboriginal, ABBA
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking, please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, Hunting
“I’ve spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go, can you?'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, Wordplay
“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint—this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, Dean Martin, Murder on the Orient Express, Eurostar
“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, The Pretenders
“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“Conjunctivitis.com—that’s a site for sore eyes.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns, ice cream
“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover—it was just collecting dust.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
“Black Beauty—now there’s a dark horse.”
— Tim Vine, 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
Tagged: Jokes, Puns
loading next page...