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Married... with Children Quotes

“I’ve had a rotten day, and I'm in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 6: God's Shoes
Tagged: Misery, Working Class, Fat-Shaming
“I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 6: The Mystery of Skull Island
Tagged: Poetry, Hooters, Mustang, bathroom, Murder
“I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: Top of the Heap
Tagged: Sex, Darkness, Bad Sex
“Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 6: If Al Had a Hammer
Tagged: Failure, Generations, Dead Bedrooms, Loveless Marriage
“You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 6: She's Having My Baby
Tagged: Dead Man, Death Threat
“Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: The Dance Show
Tagged: Bad Dads, Marriage, Slavery, Insurance
“This is bad. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: Oldies but Young 'Uns
Tagged: Misogyny, Murder
“Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to...well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do—but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russki? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy! Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl!”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: A Man's Castle
Tagged: Yankee Doodle Dandy, Russki, Frenchman, Men, Toilet Rights
“Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: The Dance Show
Tagged: Hunger, Food Chain
“I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket.”
— Peggy Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: Al... with Kelly
“What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impale me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 2: Just Married ... With Children
“Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 10: The Agony and the Extra C
“Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 10: Flight of the Bumblebee
“We're gonna go where people pretend to want to go when they can't afford to go someplace good. We're gonna see America. We take no map. We'll follow the sun. Stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we put the pedal to the metal and we ride with the wind.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: We'll Follow the Sun
Tagged: America, Road Trips
“Sure, before you marry them, all women say they like football. But as soon as you say ‘I do,’ they put on about 40 pounds. And the only ‘hike’ you see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives! As for me...I work for a living!”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 4: What Goes Around Comes Around
Tagged: Marriage, Football, Weight Gain
“Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the tooth brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed…it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married...with children.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Tagged: Attraction, Hopelessness, married
“Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat. Because we're going to Vegas!”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 4: You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em
Tagged: Las Vegas, Change of Clothes, Baseball Bat
“So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. 'Cause, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be are still out there being what we don't want to be forty hours a week for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 3: He Thought He Could
Tagged: Loser, Family, Misery, Pudding, Suicide
“A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.”
— Ellen L. Fogle, Married... with Children, Season 7: Christmas
Tagged: Christmas Party, Fat-Shaming, ugly
“I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful—like that girl on TV—I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 1: Thinnergy
Tagged: beauty, Marriage, Marital Strife
“Peg, kids, get ready to torture me—I'm home.”
— Sandy Sprung, Marcy Vosburgh, Married... with Children, Season 2: If I Were a Rich Man
Tagged: Dysfunctional Families, Torture
“See, it's this little...period...uh, PMS thing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I think that PMS stands for 'Pummel Men's Scrotums'.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Specials: Unaired Pilot
Tagged: pms, Scrotums, doctor
“That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 3: Requiem for a Dead Barber
Tagged: Nostalgia, Old v. New
“I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that's satisfactory to you, you yell 'Moo' and I'll stop.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 11: Twisted
Tagged: Comedy Quotes, TV Quotes, Sarcasm Quotes, Marriage Quotes
“Peggy: Hey Al, did ya miss me?

Al Bundy: With every bullet so far.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 5: We'll Follow the Sun
Tagged: Comedy Quotes, TV Quotes, Sarcasm Quotes, Marriage Quotes
“Woman: Excuse me but am I invisible?

Al Bundy: Possibly from Pluto.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 11: Twisted
Tagged: Sarcasm Quotes, TV Quotes, Comedy Quotes
“Peggy: Uh.. honey. Why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?

Al Bundy: But Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.”
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children, Season 11: Twisted
Tagged: Comedy Quotes, TV Quotes, Sarcasm Quotes, Marriage Quotes
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