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The Honeymooners Quotes

“What I SAY about Norton is one thing; how I FEEL about him is something else!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Jellybeans
Tagged: Two-Faced
“Ralph Kramden, you just lost your membership card to the human race!”
— Ed Norton, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Easter Hats
Tagged: human race
“Acting young ain't what keeps you young, but if you have some memories—some good memories—of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lunchbox
Tagged: Youth, Memories
“Ralph Kramden: Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton: Yeah, they forget their relatives.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Ralph Kramden, Inc.
Tagged: Success, Relatives
“Ralph: Yessir, this is the time I'm gonna get my pot of gold.

Alice: Just go for the gold, you've already got the pot.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Alice's Aunt Ethel
Tagged: pot of gold, Fat-Shaming
“Ralph: For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you, I'm going for the $99,000 question.

Alice: For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks.

Ralph: $600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts?

Alice: Eat 'em, like any other elephant.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Alice's Aunt Ethel
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“Ralph Kramden: Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs.

Alice Kramden: Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk!”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Anniversary Gift
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean, she's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have gotten mad at that, I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the *same old way*, Alice! She's a BLABBERMOUTH, Alice! A BLAAABBERMOOOUUUTH!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Apologies, Mother in Law, Blabbermouth
“Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden: 98.6.

Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden: WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Anniversary Gift
Tagged: Temperature, Thermometer, Fever
“In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, 'There are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone: one, when he's communing with his thoughts; two, when he's being tender with his wife; and three, when he's in the isolation booth on 'The $64,000 Question'.'”
— Ed Norton, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: shakespeare, Game Shows, Alone, Solitude
“[to Alice's mother; shouting] You—are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Job
Tagged: Blabbermouth, Mother in Law
“Ralph: What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice: I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Suspense
Tagged: papers, Comic Books, Fat-Shaming
“Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?

Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Glow Worm Cleaning
Tagged: Fishing, Fat-Shaming
“Ralph: You're the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I wouldn't.

Alice: You couldn't.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Christmas Party
Tagged: Cheap, Fat-Shaming
“You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Christmas Party
Tagged: Riot, Moon, Threats
“Alice Kramden: Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her.

Ralph Kramden: Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice!

Alice Kramden: Ralph, Mother doesn't hate you, that's your imagination.

Ralph Kramden: My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we were married and she went around telling that joke about me!

Alice Kramden: What joke?

Ralph Kramden: You remember, you remember the joke she went around tellin' everyone about me!

Alice Kramden: No I don't remember, what joke?

Ralph Kramden: Oh, yes, you do. She ran around the reception tellin' everybody 'I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton.'”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: Mother in Law, natural enemies
“Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Six Months To Live
Tagged: Mother in Law, Tolerance, Patience, US President
“Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.

Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, 'People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.'

Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Pickles
Tagged: drive-in theater, profit motive, Get Rich Quick Schemes
“Ralph: Just remember, you can't put you arms around a memory.

Alice: I can't even put my arms around you.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Pickles
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Memories
“Ed Norton: [Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire!

Ralph: Why don't you shut up?”
— Ed Norton, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Masquerade
Tagged: Living Will, Fat-Shaming
“Alice Kramden: Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: 'Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done.'

Ralph Kramden: [snootily] Good gosh!

Alice Kramden: I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Quiz Show
Tagged: Marriage, Housewives, Bossy
“You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on 'The $64,000 Question'. And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Quiz Show
Tagged: $64000 Question, aggravation
“Alice: Boy, you men kill me; you're all alike. You push us around. You want us to bow and scrape at your feet. All you do is yell and scream and give orders. You men just think that you *own* this world!

Ralph: Yeah, but you women get revenge. You marry us!”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 4: A Woman's Work is Never Done
Tagged: Marriage, Revenge, Henpecking
“I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Quiz Show
Tagged: Yucca Flats, Atomic Bomb, kitchen
“Ed Norton: [reading from book about golf] 'The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.'

Ralph: Wait a minute. What do they mean by 'address the ball'?

Ed Norton: How should I know? That's what it says here.

Ralph: Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, address the ball, Hello Ball
“Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Golf, Bad Marriage, wives
“Ralph Kramden: [Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of 'Hello, Stupids' and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!

Mrs. Gibson: Oh, why don't you shut up?”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: insults, Mother in Law
“Ralph: [to Alice] I don't care if you've got any confidence, because I have enough confidence in me for the both of us!

Alice Kramden: You've got enough everything in you for the both of us.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: Lost Baby
Tagged: Confidence, Fat-Shaming
“Ralph Kramden: There isn't room in this place for you and me!

Mrs. Gibson: There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!”
— Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The Turkey
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“Ralph Kramden: Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? 'Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you.'

Alice Kramden: I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement.

Ralph Kramden: Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon?

Alice Kramden: That would be an improvement, too.”
— Alice Kramden, The Honeymooners, Season 1: The New Bowling Ball
Tagged: To the moon, married, Marital Strife
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