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M*A*S*H Quotes

“It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.”
— Maxwell Klinger, M*A*S*H, Season 8: Dear Uncle Abdul
Tagged: crazy, everyone is crazy, Section 8, Letters Home
“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.”
— B. J. Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H, Season 7: The Young and the Restless
Tagged: Youth, Adulthood
“I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 7: Inga
Tagged: overconfidence, winsome, stag, mate, pollen, Sex, Appetite
“Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.

Frank: She's right, and—nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.

Potter: You see a ghost?

Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.”
— Margaret Houlihan, M*A*S*H, Season 5: Exorcism
Tagged: friday the 13th, Haunted House, Infidelity, Cheating Wives
“If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!”
— Maxwell Klinger, M*A*S*H, Season 5: End Run
Tagged: Absurd
“Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. [Radar begins to cry] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 6: Fallen Idol
Tagged: Iowa, naivete, Blood, sausage grinder
“I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 5: Margaret's Engagement
Tagged: Friends, Fake Friends
“If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.”
— Maxwell Klinger, M*A*S*H, Season 4: The Interview
Tagged: God, Omniscience
“Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.

BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.”
— B. J. Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H, Season 4: Smilin' Jack
Tagged: antiwar, Mental Health
“I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 5: Dear Sigmund
Tagged: Marriage, Divorce, ugly, disgusting
“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: The Bus
Tagged: cards, Aim
“Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger: I'm not that easy.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 4: Welcome to Korea
Tagged: Transvestitism
“Potter: I gather you drink.

Hawkeye: Only to excess.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: Welcome to Korea
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Bulletin Board
Tagged: Marriage, Divorce, Painfully Obvious
“Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.”
— Major Franklin Marion Burns, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Mad Dogs and Servicemen
Tagged: Psychiatry
“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Check-Up
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: O.R.
Tagged: Freedom, Achievement, Flatulence, tension, American Dream
“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: not sleeping, excuses, Alibis
“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: Guns, harakiri, Pentagon, cary grant, old virginia
“Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.

Radar: I could do without it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Radar’s Report
Tagged: War, Pacifism
“Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Deal Me Out
Tagged: trouble, Women, Double Entendre
“Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: The Sniper
Tagged: Hero, Tired, cold, Hungry, don't give a damn
“Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar: You certainly came to the right place.”
— Corporal Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Henry Please Come Home
Tagged: Disliked
“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Bible, The Devil Did It
“Lt. Dish: Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged, too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Engaged, Faithful, Dress Rehearsal
“Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Schizophrenia, Close Quarters
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